Chapter 3: Fear of Death
“…Yawn.”
In the end, I couldn’t sleep at all last night.
Her face, the one she showed me.
Her hand, holding mine.
Every sensation and feeling lingered all day, tormenting me.
“Brother, are you sure you’re alright?”
“Huh? Oh, yes…”
Is my face even more “foolish” than they can see right now?
Unable to sleep properly because of love, endlessly recalling her face in my heart and grinning foolishly…
What do they think of me right now?
Do they find it surprising?
Or is it just another thing to tease me about later, whispering in corners?
But right now, my task is to accurately calculate the right doses for the patients.
I diligently move my pen, calculating the amounts to prepare…
‘Show me an even more foolish face.’
Ugh, I can’t focus on my work at all.
When she looks at me so passionately with eyes shining like the sun above…
What else can I do but blush?
It was just a brief evening spent together at her invitation.
So why am I—
“Brother Gideon? Is Brother Gideon here?”
The sudden shout, accompanied by the heavy wooden door reinforced with iron slamming against the wall, was enough to startle everyone in the dispensary.
Two knights were looking for me for some reason.
“Wait, this is the dispensary.”
“If you come in without proper sanitization—”
Sister Lydia, closest to the door, rushed toward it in alarm.
The others quickly turned toward the door or hurriedly closed lids to keep the medicines from scattering.
Thankfully, a knight assigned to the dispensary stood up and silently blocked the door, preventing them from stepping further.
But the two knights, clad in intimidating suppression helmets shaped like skulls over their armor, were breathing heavily, as if they’d rushed here.
“I understand, but we were told Brother Gideon is currently working in the dispensary…”
Their desperate search for me sparked an inexplicable unease.
Is it about one of my patients? Did I make a mistake in their treatment?
If not… is there a disturbance in the hospital?
If not that, then what could it be, calling for me while I’m taking a break from the battlefield to study medicines?
“I’m Evan Gideon.”
“Why are the holy knights looking for me?”
“Lady Thea urgently summoned you.”
“She requests your help with a disturbance in the patient ward.”
“Can you move immediately?”
Thea?
Why would she call for me?
…Wait a moment.
The topic we discussed yesterday was about that patient from the [Hilmor] Order, wasn’t it?
A bad feeling crept through me.
If she went ahead and treated him, then surely—
“Is she hurt?!”
I shouted louder than I intended, causing nearby colleagues to flinch and step back in surprise.
Even the knights, standing at a distance, looked at me in shock.
The knight blocking the door also glanced at me, forcing me to quickly apologize.
“…I’m sorry for raising my voice and causing discomfort.”
“But I must ask, is she hurt?”
“No, no, she’s not injured.”
“But the patient caused a severe disturbance after receiving treatment…”
“She said Brother Gideon would know best about this issue.”
So she acted according to her beliefs after all.
Even though I’d warned her of the consequences.
“Alright, Brother Chapelton, leave the remaining medicines I haven’t calculated.”
“Please refer to the notebook for what’s already done.”
“Leave it to me.”
“Should we finish the rest when you return?”
“No, it might take a while, so I’ll complete the preparations when I’m back.”
Nodding to my brothers and sisters, I hurriedly followed the knights.
“Ah, Evan—um, ahem, Brother Gideon.”
Her face, ready to greet me warmly, stiffened the moment she saw the knights behind me.
I’d learned, not long after we started dating, that she tries to drop her usual stern demeanor and be at ease with me.
It made my heart race even more.
And it did so now, too.
Seeing her struggle to maintain a stiff face in front of the knights, urging them to leave, only intensified it.
“You’ve all done well.”
“I’ll submit the report by 5 p.m. today, so… you may leave now.”
“We will.”
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“With Brother Gideon here, I’m fine.”
“You may go.”
Her insistence that she’s fine with me here, her stern expression as she ushered the knights out, made me blush even more.
…I already know how many men in this hospital admire her.
And I also know there are those who follow her almost to the point of worship.
I’ve heard directly from her that even among the elves, there are men who have feelings for her.
But her words still linger in my mind.
‘No need to worry too much.’
‘I like your foolish face.’
‘I’ve never even glanced at those fools trying to show off in front of me.’
Her indifferent yet sincere words echoing in my mind now are surely no coincidence.
Slamming the door shut so the knights’ reluctant departure was out of sight, she grumbled as she approached me.
“Honestly, whether it’s this guy or that guy, even though I make it obvious I’m with you, there’s no shortage of clingy humans and elves.”
“Those I’d hesitate to call kin sneer that there’s nothing good about short-lived folk.”
“And your kind think, ‘If he did it, maybe I can too,’ with their filthy intentions.”
“It’s because you’re so captivating.”
And still, I was praising her beauty every day.
Her smile and touch kept me awake at night.
Yet the moment I saw her, my fatigue vanished as if washed away.
“…Evan.”
And now, I felt my heart race even more.
“Uwaah?! Wait a moment?!”
“Thea, this is the hospital—”
“Shhh… others might hear.”
She was embracing me.
Her hands wrapped around my chest and back, gently stroking me.
Her face was buried in my shoulder.
“Evan’s scent is especially strong today…”
How can every word she says pin me in place like this?
What am I to her that she leans on me so much?
But more than that—
“What does ‘strong scent’ even mean, ngh.”
“If you keep rubbing your nose and tickling me with your breath, uwa… ah…”
“Stay still.”
“Don’t flinch like that.”
With some unknown strength, she held me so tightly I couldn’t move, whispering slowly in my ear.
“I had no choice but to treat that man today.”
“…His son came to me, clinging to me as he watched his dying father.”
“‘Miss, miss… please save my dad. He’s in so much pain.’”
“The wife couldn’t even stop the whimpering child and just cried.”
“Even though they’re also [Hilmor].”
Her voice was heavy.
And the reason became clear with a single hot tear falling on my shoulder.
“He ended up yelling at me.”
“He said salvation was right before him, but I took his chance away.”
“That his great life was ruined because of my choice.”
“He couldn’t contain his anger, grabbing and throwing whatever he could from his bed…”
“But when I told his son and wife I treated him despite their doctrine, they were relieved and happy.”
Faith and life don’t always align.
Having attended a few scripture interpretation meetings, her moment struck me deeply.
When life and faith clash completely…
That’s the moment of trial, I think.
To follow faith or to follow oneself.
And even if one betrays their faith, is that truly wrong?
She saved a life and protected that man’s family.
Even if she broke his faith, she ensured the happiness of his child and wife.
Leaning on me, she was seeking an answer.
Perhaps hoping I’d affirm she was right.
“Some see this world as just a brief stop before the next.”
“The Hilmor Order is a prime example.”
“But I don’t think that way.”
“I believe living in this world is just as important.”
“I don’t think your judgment was wrong.”
“He has a family to support, and if he died, those left behind would surely suffer.”
If it were me, I’d likely have tried persuading him multiple times before treating him, breaking his stubbornness.
If he refused to the end, I’d have given up.
But because it was her way, she saved his life and his family.
So I gently stroked her, trembling slightly in my arms.
“…I got scared for a moment.”
“Compared to how long I’ve lived, it’s shocking how easily someone so inexperienced could face death.”
“My colleagues all said to just let him be…”
“I don’t know why you came to mind.”
“For a moment, that man groaning in pain on the bed looked like you—”
Her arms tightened around me fiercely.
“You won’t leave me like that, will you?”
“You won’t, right?”
I saw her eyes were wet.
…But I don’t think a short-lived human like me can give the exact answer she wants.
I can’t live as long as she can.
That’s an unavoidable truth, a rule of the world He created.
Something we cannot defy, something we must accept.
No matter how much we fear, deny, or try to avoid it…
In the end, it will come, circling back.
But for the sake of someone precious, for their happiness…
“…I’ll try my best.”
At least until my hair turns white, I can try my hardest to keep living, can’t I?